May Fifth

It never ceases to amaze the American public's desire to make any excuse to drink booze. I'm not sure when we did it, but we've successfully co-opted a Mexican holiday, making it our own in the name of Margarita drink specials. In fact, Cinco de Mayo is a much less significant date in Mexico, being celebrated with zeal in just one state south of the border. Beyond that, the day is little more than a date on the calendar there, a dog-ear in the history books. Certainly, they recognize it, but Mexicans aren't all atwitter the way that we are. And "we" hardly know what the hell the date signifies anyway.

We have a drinking problem. That's no secret. And we fully endorse weekday benders--in bars, on television, in newspaper headlines, everywhere--without seeing the irony. The ongoing drug apocolypse in Mexico is fueled, in large part, by Americans' other healthy appetite, that for drugs. And a largest portion still of that drug economy is the supply-and-demand of the good herb. Yet we admonish those who buy and sell drugs, deplore the degeneracy down south, and many legalization naysayers panic at the notion that pot could be a legal, regulated and taxable commodity. Still, those same anti-rationality rubes are more than willing to order a rocks-salt with little guilt.

That is, they unconsciously endorse something that is little more than a drinking holiday, a day that, until we make significant strides in immigration and its legalization, means pretty much nothing to Americans. They're endorsing alcoholism. They're certainly are endorsing a lethal enterprise with origins in Mexico, and it ain't drugs.

Let's face, it makes far more sense for pot to be legal than alcohol, from nearly every logical standpoint. But with the ubiquitous binge-drinking, coupled with a paranoid affliction to pot progress, the American bureaucracy is doing well in one area: murder. And all in the name of money. Changes to both behaviors would save a lot a folks. Seriously.

Step 65: Legalize pot. I said it. Astonishingly, this is far more popular a belief than many believe. The under-35 set, no matter the party lines, broadly agrees its silly not to legalize. We're not all stoners, we're just reasonable people. I'd go so far as to say make alcohol illegal, but prohibition clearly doesn't work, and I like whiskey. But advancing from a culture of booze would be a good thing. Unfortunately, altering the paradigm of an industry worth billions seems like a bad idea to them. Again, I see irony.

Piggies

Have you seen the little piggies
Crawling in the dirt
And for all the little piggies
Life is getting worse

Every other headline and even more Facebook status updates suggest an ill wind is drifting through town. It's a flu. And it comes from pigs. Scare, scare, say the headlines. Har, har, read the status updates.

The media made a big deal of the bird flu, and the public, following suit, made jokes about it. And if you can name one person you know who got avian pox, please raise your hand? I don't see any hands. Oh, that's right, because you don't know anyone who got it. Stories aplenty came out of Asia at the time, but, in case you forgot, we don't live in Asia. And now there's this. A bit closer to home it has hit. Mexico, and sure, some places here in the States. But the wave of paranoia is absurd. It's not unlike fretting about the impending genocide in Kansas because of headlines out of Darfur.

But at least people have been dying there. What's the headcount of swine flu? Four? It's roughly as dangerous as walking down the street, and slightly less frightening than patting your head and rubbing your belly at the same time. It's the fucking flu. And it's the fucking flu that you're not going to get. And if after writing this, I get it? I'll put my foot in my mouth shortly after having survived, in two to three days, my bad cough.

But apparently, we're led to believe that we should be wearing masks sprinkled in tea-tree oil or eucalyptus. We're supposed to keep a first-aid kit near. We're supposed to have extra batteries for our flashlight. Because swine flu takes out power lines, too. It's gonna really suck when swine flu starts dropping nukes on us. Hope you have plenty of non-perishables stocked.

I guess my biggest problem is that the cause du jour is a cold, and I have to read about everyone worrying about it. Even they're jokes on Facebook is veiled anxiety. It's at the fore of their hourly functioning. The think, I'm gonna connect with people by talking about the flu, because its obviously a big enough think that everyone will understand what I'm getting at, and if everyone can understand what I'm getting at, then everyone knows about it. And if everyone knows about it, then everyone saw the story about the 2 year old who died yesterday because of swine flu, and maybe I'm a little scared that that 2 year old could be my neighbor's 2 year old, or my 2 year old and if it could be her 2 year old or my 2 year old, then it could be me, and if it could be me, then it could be anyone, which means it could be my Facebook friends and the headline writers at CNN. OMFG, I need some more batteries for more flashlight. TTYL.

Maybe what's most frightening is the revelation of swine flu. There wasn't enough evidence before, but the verdict is, and now we're finally and inextricably linked to pigs. Oink, oink.

Step 64: I'm not saying you shouldn't care about swine flu. I'm not saying you shouldn't feel sympathy toward the poor saps who've gotten. I'm just saying, ask yourself exactly what the fuck it is you're wasting so much energy on. Har har or horror, there's worse epidemics going on, always have been. Mostly, though, this latest display of dipshittery, particularly by the media and my Facebook friends, is unsettling.

The Oscars are Over

If you'll notice, I did, as one commenter suggested, peter out. Trying to keep up with the second-by-second onslaught of ridiculous behavior was dizzying, and ole Y2 got hungry.

That said, some final thoughts:

Celebrities and actors are not your friends. You have no intimate relationship with them. If they cared about you as much as you care about them, they'd be high school guidance counselors, not actors. Keep that in mind next time you feel anything resembling anticipation when watching an awards show.

The awards that you take a piss during are as much responsible for you enjoying the film as was some narcissistic dip shit. In fact, it's those awards that feel the most honest, because the "big awards"--picture, director, actor, actress, etc. are not really "best," they're the most popular on the best team. Sean Penn is like Tim Tebow.

That said, Mickey Rourke woulda received my vote.

Hugh Jackman loves musicals.

Congratulations are in order...

For the nominees of the Scientific and Technical Awards. Translation: This is the best we can offer considering we don't give a shit about you.

But he is genius, Mr. Roboto.

That guy doesn't look French.

Jack Black doesn't...

...bet his salary on Oscars, he spends it on mushrooms.

Jennifer Aniston is still hot.

Slumdog wins it's first Oscar...

...and there are still slums in India.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Sucked.

David Lance Black wins an award.

If you're not sure who he is, he wrote the script for "Milk," the story of the gay city councilman (or whatever) in SF. This just in: David Lance Black is also gay.

At least it's an original screenplay.

Penelope Cruz wins Best Supporting Actress

And, shockingly, she's saying something in Spanish.

Who knew Tilda Swinton was an albino?

Oscar Winner Montage

I didn't realize this before, but apparently anorexic boys qualify for best supporting actress oscars. Oh, wait, no ... that's Tilda Swinton.

They're using cardboard props.

Lots of emails about the cardboard props. Why are they using them? Well, ceremony organizers have told EvRev that they used the props to cut costs in the midst of a deepening economic crisis. "We thought it would be funny to underscore the opening sequence with a running joke about how poor people are becoming in this country," they told us. Boy, those guys really do care.

Total budget for the show: Just 51 cents.

It's Started!

Hugh Jackman: "Clearly, this is the biggest movie event of the year. And I'm gay."

People Cheering in the Background.

Which is amazing, because after the ceremony ends, they'll still be drowning in credit card debt and a twice-refinanced mortgage they can't pay.

Accountants in the House

They look like robots. And for the record, it seems strange to hear a fashion expert commenting on accounts attire--their "ensemble pieces" and "accessories" and that they "strangely, make it work." Strange, because they're accountants. Normally they're wearing Rockports, black socks and khaki shorts.

RDJ...

...has cocaine in his pocket.

The Oscars, apparently, are like Prom

and Zack Effron jsut referred to someone as a "great kid." Can't wait till Zack dies.